Today I feel like …

Today I feel like …

Today I feel like Marie Antoinette, relaxing in hedonistic leisure, blissfully unaware of the world around me; the terror and pain lived by others.

Something nagging in the back of my brain, but I push it away with a mighty force or sometimes a slight blow.

Don’t worry, be happy. That’s all I ever wanted. Everyone wants that, yet, not everyone is that lucky. I know. Don’t you think I know?

I just want to forget. Give away to oblivion. Become one with the misty morning fog or the bright light of the summer sun.

I soak it in; it warms me, lulls me to sleep and reinvigorates me. But it becomes too warm, too bright. I lift a hand to shade it from my eyes.

When the realization hits, cutting through the air like a knife in warm butter, I feel myself waking up in a nightmare. It has been there all the time, just around the corner, but I continued to keep a distance from that corner; building up new walls of my garden, extending and postponing, eating and sleeping and pretending the walls wouldn’t overgrow and close in on me. I let others make sure they were groomed and kept. I didn’t want to know. If I could make the whole world one big, beautiful garden, I would. If only I could. But even with all the grooming and keeping, we couldn’t hold off the inevitable.

Now, I lay my head on the block, hoping for the best but knowing the worst is about to happen.

If this is the punishment for the life I lived, let it be so.

If this is freedom from a world I didn’t understand, let it be so.

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