I do want love, I do think I understand love, because I have love to give, and yet, I do not understand it. Not fully. How can I when I have never experienced true, passionate, all-consuming love – or even slow, building and burning love and surrender? I’m blissfully, painstakingly ignorant to the actions that passion conjures. With no such experience, having been independent, virtuous and guarded around my private self and personal space my entire life, it is somewhat hard to understand how you cannot suffocate another human being with such intensity as love? To physically, emotionally reach out and grasp that person till he or her submits to your will and you’ll compromise your personal space and limits for another being? How such a simple thing as love bites can stir such possessive desire? But you want it all, don’t you? The mind as well as the body and soul of that someone else. Someone who can mirror what you truly want to see in yourself and have it affirmed; solidified. Someone who doesn’t judge you but protects you – even against yourself. I suppose such love can be as thriling as it can be suffocating. But no matter the struggles that comes along, I believe – however inexperienced as I am – that you will not live to regret it in the end; having experienced it. I envy you. I’ll take even unrequited love by now. I feel I’ve already waited too long despite my young age. Just to know how to love another being with such intensity and passion. To give myself over to that person. Wouldn’t we all? Isn’t that what we all seek? Even better if it is reciprocated, of course, but that is a rarity indeed.
But to have such love I must give myself away in return. How to do so? Am I not open? Do I not seek? Don’t we all? Then why is it so hard to find? There must be enough love in this world for everyone if everyone seeks it, surely! Are we just afraid to open up? Perhaps. Perhaps we always fear rejection for not living up to others’ expectations and hate ourselves for inevitably striving for perfection or the ideal we’ve spent so long creating in our minds. But do we? Do we really want perfection? Maybe we are thinking in the long haul; someone to be able to stay firm and true, helpful and productive in all kinds of scenarios in the future. But aren’t we getting ahead of ourselves; asking too much too early, not believing in the other person beforehand? Are we even able to make such promises ourselves? No, we need to stop asking for a perfect present and future which we cannot live up to ourselves. The world isn’t and will never be perfect, nor ourselves or our lives. Perfection doesn’t equal quality. Perfection demands constant improvement of quality which never will end or can be satisfied.
In the end, I know I’m worth someone’s love and attention though I’ve not had the opportunity to experience it yet, as much as I know I can give it. Whether I will ever be natural in a relationship is an entirely different matter, though; something I cannot answer (yet). It’s hard work with lots of communication and compromise, that much I know. I’m not sure I will ever be comfortable in any expected, conventional union, but I do want comfort and a simple life with an equal companion whether it is a friend or a lover. As long as no one tells me what to be or do, I’ll be happy. I treasure my freedom so.
One day when I’ve known love; loved and been loved and lost love, I’ll surely look back at this and smile at my naive, inexperienced mind and heart; for trying so hard to figure it all out beforehand and what an impossible feat that was. Ah, future self; I look forward to see what you become – in any regards!