why do i feel like i’ve already lived a lifetime –
when i have only lived a quarter of it?
when i have not felt the oppressing burden of life
with pain and heartbreak and betrayal
but lived my life in peace and content
not happy, but not unhappy either
why does my heart not feel light in the dawning hours?
a shell of something clouded and bleak
hovers around it
prevents it from reaching something i cannot see clearly yet
is this life?
or life in its making?
telling me i have not lived it
that the course of my life as it is
is not enough
despite i could do little to change it
i was thrust into the system of education
and gratefully accepted it by the finish line
more than twenty years into my life
i could not give that up for a freedom of no structure at all!
i still sought out life and knowledge beyond
is it my fault that nothing and no one sought me out?
i took action myself
dealt with it myself
what more could you ask?
that i had thrusted myself upon others?
changed or enhanced who i was – simply to attract?
i was never that person
what do you want life?
what would you have me change?
all the voices speak all at once
and say everything and nothing at all
my own voice has little to say in defense
i can do nothing about the past after all
and i do not regret it
what do you want life?
for me to always seek out something new?
and never be content with what i have?
i’m still young and naive
but wise enough to know this fact
life should not be finished by the age of twenty-five after all
a greater expanse of life will come now, you say?
the maker of my own fate, you say?
wait and see, you say?
it is not like i have not spend my whole life waiting and seeing
i choose for myself, i am already the maker of my life
i cannot know what life will show me whenever i choose to
i never could
but i wish you, life, would show me something more
i am content and i seek out something new
in my own making, in my own tempo
but i wish i could see a little something in the horizon
a blur, a sign
something to steer my boat towards
something specific that i could wrap my course of life around for a while
at the moment i drift the ocean, in storms and still waters
waiting for a sign
a star to navigate after, a seagull to follow, an island to steer towards