why do i feel like i’ve already lived a lifetime –

when i have only lived a quarter of it?

when i have not felt the oppressing burden of life

with pain and heartbreak and betrayal

but lived my life in peace and content

not happy, but not unhappy either

why does my heart not feel light in the dawning hours?

a shell of something clouded and bleak

hovers around it

prevents it from reaching something i cannot see clearly yet

is this life?

or life in its making?

telling me i have not lived it

that the course of my life as it is

is not enough

despite i could do little to change it

i was thrust into the system of education

and gratefully accepted it by the finish line

more than twenty years into my life

i could not give that up for a freedom of no structure at all!

i still sought out life and knowledge beyond

is it my fault that nothing and no one sought me out?

i took action myself

dealt with it myself

what more could you ask?

that i had thrusted myself upon others?

changed or enhanced who i was – simply to attract?

i was never that person

so

what do you want life?

what would you have me change?

all the voices speak all at once

and say everything and nothing at all

my own voice has little to say in defense

i can do nothing about the past after all

and i do not regret it

so

what do you want life?

for me to always seek out something new?

and never be content with what i have?

i’m still young and naive

but wise enough to know this fact

life should not be finished by the age of twenty-five after all

so

a greater expanse of life will come now, you say?

the maker of my own fate, you say?

wait and see, you say?

it is not like i have not spend my whole life waiting and seeing

i choose for myself, i am already the maker of my life

i cannot know what life will show me whenever i choose to

i never could

but i wish you, life, would show me something more

i am content and i seek out something new

in my own making, in my own tempo

but i wish i could see a little something in the horizon

a blur, a sign

something to steer my boat towards

something specific that i could wrap my course of life around for a while

at the moment i drift the ocean, in storms and still waters

waiting for a sign

a star to navigate after, a seagull to follow, an island to steer towards

just something

stars1

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